I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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