so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just had sex on a roof
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
