I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
