Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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