when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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