I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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