Don't you send me to vm
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
