This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
