Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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