I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
