Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
should my penis look like a turkey
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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