Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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