don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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