Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
