Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
