dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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