So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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