I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
