please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
