Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
