Taylor Swift is so right about you.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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