I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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