HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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