Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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