how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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