There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize