I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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