No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
