i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
