It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
