Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize