I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I wish there were birth control emojis
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
