Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
