he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize