I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
