He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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