I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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