Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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