Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
