You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But theres a keg here and me gusta
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
