I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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