i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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