i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
