I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
