wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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