It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
