You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
