Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
