I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
