Are we in a gay sports bar?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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