her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
