6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
