Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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