...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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