On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
