Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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