Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
