He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We just shotgunned beers for America
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
