this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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