I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
