We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
